My Secret

Someone had asked me recently how have I held up so well, that they have been waiting for me to hit a wall and breakdown. That I cant possibly be moving forward without grieving what has been left behind. There is a process to this. And I had to think about that for a minute. Because quite honestly I wasn't sure what she meant. I understood what she was SAYING but I had a hard time understaning what she MEANT. Then I started to panic thinking that I was going to become this blubbering basketcase that sits and rocks the day away in a corner. That all this time would have built up a grief that would have left me lifeless, and quite honestly I did not have time for that. So I thought I cant pencil you in loss and grief you are no friend of mine. So I thought for a while and got back to her with what my secret was. And I thought really this is not a secret at all so why not share it with the world. What I believe, I truly believe, is that I do not know loss. Loss is a company I will not keep. It is ugly and dark and life changing. It happens to everyone. Almost always at an inconvenient time and place that upsets everyone around them. Leaving people searching for answers they will never get and leaving them with a void in their lives that they can not fill. And I tell you I have experienced things that would be considered loss. Death is on the top of that list. I have "lost" many important and beloved people in my life. But are they really gone? Do I really have to grieve, is there really an end to all of this. No there is not. While I can tell you that these people are not here physically. walking and talking besides me, sitting at holiday dinners or advising me on my life. They are always here I just am looking for them in a new place. They are in my heart and they are in my memories and they will always remain there. Because I treasured their presence in my life do they have to leave it because they are not here in body. Or can I remember everything about them in a different way. Because they cannot answer me can I not talk to them. I have faith that they will show me the way in their own way. I will continue to be guided by their teachings and continue to feel warmth because of the love they have shown me but I will not cry for them. Yes I can miss them, I am not immune to emotions but I will not grieve you because, I have never lost you....Love is eternal........